Dunno

Not sure what happened with earlier post,it just did. did break wrist, racoon eyes for a month,I'm awesome. I DVR'D Women of THe Movement. OMFG. I have cried for hours watching this. I am so sorry white people are dicks.

all new shit

i fell last week. tequila was involved, and its ugly. raccoon eyes and finished off the left hand. didnt go to the dr because, tequila. see dr tomorrow about neck and hand, so take care of everything. hate not being able to really type cuz i have a lot to say. i fell in love with a girl when i was 15. in a small town, mom got her thrown out, i did dumb shit and ran away at 17 to be with her. she was great, until she wasn't. we learned to be abusive together, i guess. there was a lot of violence. annie and i got together when i was 19, she had been having an affair with the love of my life. big convoluted mess, i know. not many dykes back in the day. after 30 something years, annie tells me i cant go nout in public with her cuz people might think she beat me up, she

I'm having a Minute, or a life

I've been sleeping, drinking, sleeping. That thing. Today, for some reason, I just feel really alone. I;m not, Annie has been awesome about taking care of me. and typing is nt my friend. dammit. theres a lot of crying going on too, cuz i can. i'm scared about the surgery i'm gonna have that they haven't told me i'm gonna have. left hand is useless, right is getting there, i'm fucked. i really don't wanna, but i like my hands. i just felt alone and scared and came here because its the only place i can talk about that stuff. mom isnt well, cant talk to her. so here it is. anyway,i think i need to go sleep some more.

I can't Type One Handed

Been awhile cuz I really do have a problem with one hand. looks like we are gonna replace my spine one section at a time. MRI to come, but disc hitting nerve in my neck is the most likely cause. i am so sick of this shit.

We're All Doomed

I'll give you the short version, since the long one is really long. Annie has always checked in on Lucy since she's on the way to Mom's house, and they were friends, even after Lucy and I broke up. Annie picked her up the other day and brought her here for a few days since she never goes anywhere. Lucy has always been 'out there', but, Lucy has lost her shit. Ms. Sweet's sister put her in assisted living at this point, she 's gotten that bad that fast. I am not a caregiver, she's been here 2 days, and it's all I can do not to lose my shit. I hate it all, but I can't have yet another conversation about what we talked about 5 minutes ago, several times a day. I told her I was taking her home tomorrow, but Annie got her all excited to go out Thursday to see our old boyfriend, so now I seem to be stuck again. I guess I'll be getting out of the house tomorrow just because. Maybe that was Annie's intent.

No pinky Swear

I's hard to type without a working pinky, I'm surprised. Going to a real Doc about that next week.Guess since everything went away, I will go nto bed.

A Friend of a Friend

That friend killed himself the other day. He left a kid, and friends, and family, and when I Want to check out, I think about that. Cuz I thought about it ealier, but nope, can't do it. Love yall too much.

Pinky Woes

According to Dr. Google I have compressed nerve syndrome. I have to see a real Dr. to confirm that, but who knew your whole hand would be useless if your pinky doesn't work? It makes typing a bitch too, btw. I'm just not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, I hit treatment because I have to. Anyways, Off to bed, maybe. Later kids.

Taste, or Lack Of

Everything tastes like shit lately. Yesterday, I had some apple cider that was good, and that was it until later. I made Mom's cure-all, potato soup with lots of onion, it was actually pretty tasty. I'm only starting my second week, so it may get lots worse before it's over. And here I am bitching about radiation when chemo is so much worse. I'm thankful I don't have to do that, my whiny ass probably wouldn't survive.

The Club

It seems I've joined a club no one wants to be in, but here we are. I go to treatment, and every other person there for the same thing is all "Hey, Good Morning, How you doing." And I have become my mother and do the same thing. It's kinda cool, actually. We don't support each other enough in everyday life. Sad it has to take cancer to make people be nice to each other.

And here I am again

I drugged up again, and slept for 12 hours, so I should be caught up. Hopefully, I've re-set my sleep cycle. Last night I stayed up late, but got up at 8, so that's cool. I just have to do that again tomorrow because I must get out of the house. I actually have errands that need running, and Annie doesn't bitch much, she'll take care of stuff for me, but I need to take care of myself a bit. So, putting on the big girl panties and leaving the farm tomorrow, wish me luck..

Here I Am

Been a minute, cuz I had to take a minute, or a week. I'm serious about everything hurting. I'm taking more drugs sitting at home than I did when I was working because shit. Boob is good in a couple of weeks, nope. Finally told, warm stuff is good, moves the fluid around. I've seen so many docs, and their people, and I just don't know anymore. I was surprised my surgeon scrip for pain pills, and my regular supply, got filled. So, last night, besides a shitload of booze, I took drugs and CBD oil. I slept for about 6 hours. Better than usual. Funny thing is, I got out of the house today because I needed bread. Beer, smokes, not a priority, I wanted some toast dammit.

Evertything Hurts

Boob hurts, back hurts, pretty much all I do is sit on the couch drink beer, and smoke. I think I'm about done. Annie asked about my drugs, yep, got enough I'll sleep 23 hours of the day, but I'd rather drink for 12 instead. Apparently this has been on my mind. Annie asked if I took my drugs, if I'd drink less. Yep, if I take everything I'm supposed to, I'll really sleep all the damned time. I'm doing my own pain management with the booze, at least I have a minute of a real life every day.

So, It's A New Day

I'm hiding from work. Surgery has worked for a minute, I need to find another reason to not go back there. I see the new Dr. next week about treatment, so hopefully that will give me a few more weeks. I have a message in to my pain Dr. to get an MRI because my back hurts like a mofo. I just can't anymore. Hellmart was never a good fit for me, but I'm just so tired, and so sick of people, I'm done. Trying to do the leave of absence thing to keep my insurance a little longer. Fingers crossed new Doc will fill out that paperwork while I have treatment. Also asked pain Doc to get a scan for my back because I shouldn't hurt this much so, it's a wait and see thing.

Let's Go Ahead and Throw This Out There

Dad's losing his shit. His Sister just died of Alzheimer's a few days ago. If anyone told him, he didn't tell me. Mom did. It still amuses me that they've been divorced most of my life, but she knows what's going on with his family. Since his Mom had it, and my Aunt, and he's not quite right, I'm a bit scared about that too. None of this bodes well for me, since my brain isn't what it used to be either. I told Annie since I have a break before starting treatment, I'm gonna try to go spend a few days with him. All he has is me and the Step-nephew. Step and I have had a conversation lately about all this, cause Dad is afraid he's gonna end up in a home, and none of us want that, but I can't take care of him because of the shape I'm in, Step has a semi-new wife and very new baby, so there's that. The big deal is Dad has a beautiful house on a lake, and rather than sell the place, for whatever reason, I'd like to leave it to Step's kids because he, and they, have grown up there. I can't take care of it, and the money won't do me any good for long because I'm getting a bit long in the tooth, and let's face it, my health ain't great. Babysis is actually my half sister, not that we've ever differentiated there, but Step's family belongs to StepMom, who was always wonderful, so I have that family, and Mom's family if you get me. It's all complicated. All this because Annie doesn't want me to go spend a few days because she's worried about me, and I'm worried about everything else, and Damn, it sucks to get old and have older parents. So, I've vented for today, we may have more whining, or mayhem tomorrow. You never know with me. Just wait till I start the anti-hormones lol.

Good News

So, My 2.1 Centimeter lump had .1 invasive cancer, rest was either pre-cancer or fat, so I'm in pretty good shape. Lymph node was negative. Doc is gonna send me for radiation just in case, and then start me on drugs because I apparently have too much Estrogen. Here I thought testosterone would be the problem lol. I'm feeling much better, except my boob hurts, and apparently the bruise on my back is from my constant heating pad abuse, and I really miss him. We'll talk to the pain doc about that in a couple of weeks. I may seriously have a screw loose, in my back, we know I have one missing in my head. Love ya'll, especially you J.S. Take care.